A Testing time at Teeside.
Despite the rain there seems to have been a distinct lack of paddling opportunity this summer, I’m not sure why but there doesn’t seem to have been many people active, however the Ribble Swimmers Club has tried to keep its steady but relentless push towards the retention of the D’Ribbler Trophy moving in the right direction. With a trip to Burrs and several to Teeside White Water Course, Burger Boy is moving nicely towards possession of the Trophy and has already notched up more than 30 swims in the first 6 months of the year. Go put on the kettle and make a brew, sit comfortably and let me tell you tales of the summer long gone and the Swim Team exploits.
A Burrs trip at the start of the school holidays was the location of Tony Morgan’s most recent time wasting session, where he schooled BB in all things river paddling in the vain hope of keeping him from swimming. Despite intensive quality coaching BB still managed to rack up another couple of swims during that session, and forget all he had been told by the time he was off the river – or at least that’s how it may seem to some. The Burrs session was also a very proud moment in my life, ahhhh, my youngest off-spring’s first swim. She was so good I almost wept, she went over the broken weir in fine style before forgetting to paddle and then caught an edge and toppled in only to be rescued valiantly by River God who at last has fulfilled the role of Swim Team Rescue Support. All credit to Sian as she got back in the kayak and paddled on, as well as also taking another run down the course.
Teeside was the next trip out, with a guest appearance of ‘old Albert Risely’ (OAR) a newcomer to the venue and the way he performed a Swim Team member in prospect. What joy this was to be, our favourite swimming venue, and BB demoing a Pyranha Ammo from UK Canoes, jolly tales I have to tell. The session was split into an evening and following day morning paddle with us sleeping in the log cabins overnight. BB was excited (not easy to tell) and yet a touch worried (obvious to tell) at the prospect of trying out the new boat and also had concerns about not wanting to damage a boat that wasn’t his. Brilliant, that sets things up nicely for the two days, a first timer (OAR) who is clearly over-awed in our presence and BB on edge in a new boat which he doesn’t want to damage.
Off onto the course we go and OAR sets things up very nicely with a couple of good runs through to get the feel the layout and spot his rescue points ahead of his first swim. Meanwhile BB sets about demolishing the Ammo, oh sh*t lads I’ve bust the backrest. Not to worry we say, it looks a bit flimsy so they’ll expect that sort of thing and a repair is affected by use of string and knots. BB then proceeds with the abrasion test part of the demo by running the boat along the course wall in true no holds barred incompetent paddling fashion. (Are you crying yet Tony Morgan?) At the end of this and similar runs OAR and I consoled BB that this sort of damage was just wear and tear and to be expected, after all they knew it was going to Teeside ‘didn’t they?’ The only way to see how a demo boat performs under the abrasion test though is to get a good long swim in and allow the boat to waterlog and bounce and scrape its way down the course upside down hitting ever post and pillar when it isn’t grinding across the walls, BB did this test next.
OAR and I looked on in horror as we surveyed the damage, but not wanting to worry BB (and for our entertainment) we said things like ‘it’s nothing, don’t worry, you’re going to buy one anyway, and we’ll distract Laurence when you take it back or just dump it outside and ring him to say where it’s been left’. The damage was extensive, the front grab handle was frayed, the cockpit had been shaved down horribly as had the nose of the boat and part of the UK Canoes sticker had come off. Oh well, the damage is done, may as well carry on and not worry about it, at least one side is okay, its not dented and the bottom is unscratched. Quite distressed and concerned was BB as he borrowed Duct Tape to give the boat some protection for the rest of the session, when he had finished it was generously protected at the front end so no further harm would come to it.
The Impact test was next up, oops; Duct Tape is no good for this one. BB looked fantastic in the Ammo, it really has improved his paddling and he looked great surfing Happy Eater before setting the boat into a good side-surf and powering it into the wall front first with a satisfying bang. For good measure he did this several times before finally managing to do it backwards with another unpleasant crunch. Off the water he comes, “that’s it I can’t paddle any more I’m wrecking the boat” says he as he sits paring away plastic with a knife trying to minimise the visual impact of some pretty horrible damage. Suitably consoled he does accept that he may as well continue ‘carefully’ and stop trying to surf and do 360s but just run the course for the remainder of the trip. Back onto the water for the final test, bottom abrasion resistance.
Imagine this if you can, BB worriedly trying to get it all right as he comes down the course towards Happy Eater (picture a rabbit in the headlights expression and a jittery uncomfortable nervy first time paddler on a grade 4 river in big water). The reality went like this, nervy approach to Happy Eater ‘oh no’ wrong line too near the wall, boat half on the wall and half off it as he swept round the outside of the bend at a lean angle of 45 degrees with the bottom of the boat grinding on the wall whilst he dementedly stabbed his paddle in to keep himself from going over until eventually dropping into Happy Eater
against the wall and getting stuck – against the wall, then his boats bobbed up and down grating the last undamaged surface against the wall, poetry in motion. Laugh, I’m still waiting for my trouser to dry.
Testing complete and every surface of the Ammo is thoroughly scratched or dented, it’s only a demo boat says I and a little more whittling saw it looking okay ish again. The swim tally rose quite nicely over the trip as you may expect, with the very competent OAR notching 6 swims but sadly not yet showing enough panache or incompetence to be invited into the Swim Team, BB also kept his tally moving along well with another 7 swims whilst I checked in with a measly 4.
BB ordered a new Ammo and gave it a test run at Teeside at the end of August where he joined my family holiday. Sadly he does look a much better paddler in it, but fortunately he is still swimming with gay abandon. He kept my daughter and nephew entertained with his indomitable spirit and never say die attitude and racked up another 4 swims on his one day there, whilst for me sadly the rolling is coming along nicely now and I only managed 3 swims over 9 hours of paddling, bummer.
River God had the swim of the trip when he got stuck in a quite big Acid Drop. He was trashed as first the front, then the back of his boat kept appearing and disappearing before finally he bailed out leaving his boat tumbling in the stopper with all sorts of gear being sucked from his boat and re-circulated. It looked like a shipping disaster, there was an air bag, seat pad, and paddle being washed out and sucked back in along with his boat whilst the ‘un’happy seat (Heidi, to those in the know) hung lifelessly from the cockpit before the whole lot was spat out into the bottom pool.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I can’t retain the D’Ribbler Trophy but am confident that BB will end up winning it, and it staying in the Ribble Swim Team will be a consolation. My swims are now reducing dramatically in proportion to how many rolls I execute successfully and with BB already doubling my tally I can’t see me catching him. Remember to keep on reporting your swims though, if you’re not swimming you’re not trying hard enough, enjoy it, the rivers really look different at fish eye level.
Post Data: Look out for the next Newsletter because the Swim Team and Uncle Clive are taking on the Tryweryn, I bet you can’t wait. I hear the instructors there have already ordered sedatives and written the disclaimers.
BB Support Team
Will E Rollup
Copyright © 2007 by Ribble Canoe Club.
May not be reproduced or redistributed without author’s permission. Originally posted in the September/October 2007 newsletter, on Ribble Canoe Club’ web site. Republished here with permission.
