Member of Parliament for Hornsey and Wood Green
House of Commons
London
SW1A 0AA
Rt. Hon. Mrs Choona Featherstone,
I read your comments as junior minister at the Home Office as Parliamentary Under Secretary for Equalities, hailing Christina Hendricks, as an absolutely fabulous physical role model for girls.
Yes, yes, oh, yes! This is something that I have felt very strongly about for years, so I would like to apply for a position as a private secretary for The Government Equalities Office. I don’t come cheap, I’m afraid, but I have vast knowledge on red-haired buxoms, and being a Liberal MP you will agree that if you want the best you’ve got to pay. I shall require £700,000 and my own Aston Martin, but the Home Office probably recoup most of that when I start firing people, as I have a strict code and I abhor the way most civil servants look and dress. Let’s face it: We can’t afford to be sentimental. It’s time to cut costs and trim the fat if we’re to keep up with China.
I shall also be needing a secretary. You will be relieved to know that I don’t do blondes, merely redheads. If I turn up and it’s a blonde, heads will roll. I mean it.
When would be a good time to discuss a competitive salary and a pension with you? Flexible working hours would be needed, I fear, as I plan to conduct my duties from the Outer Hebrides, but I could come to the Houses of Parliament next week if that is convenient.
Let’s go nuclear!
Yours faithfully,
Ignacio Wenley Palacios
It just occurred to me that perhaps there might be readers compounded by an uneven awareness of the intricacies of Whitehall who are not well acquainted with the role and position of the junior Parliamentary Under-Secretaries of Her Majesty’s Government. A classic explanation is provided in the British sitcom Yes Minister. In the episode “Open Government”, transmitted on February 25th, 1980, Sir Humphrey (the Permanent Secretary) briefs Hacker (the Minister) on the Department’s workings:
“
Hacker: Who else is in this department?
Sir Humphrey: Well briefly, sir, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary. I too have a Principal Private Secretary and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, 87 Under Secretaries and 219 Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretaries are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Under-Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.
Hacker: Can they all type?
Sir Humphrey: None of us can type. Mrs Mackay types: she’s the secretary.
Minister: Pity, we could have opened an agency.
Sir Humphrey: Very droll, Minister.
Hacker: I suppose they all say that, do they?
Sir Humphrey: Certainly not Minister. Not quite all…”
”
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